Myqismah's Blog

Worldnetweb.com defines the word torn as disrupted by the pull of contrary forces. This has been the only word I found to describe the feelings I’ve encountered throughout moments as a first-generation-immigrant-child. Have you ever felt like that?

I know for me there has been an internal struggle and I’m sure many of you can relate. My parents gave up so much for us to move here. They have sacrificed regularly to provide better opportunities for their children and I’m ever so indebted to them. Which creates finding a balance between making them happy & making myself happy a challenge.

In my culture, we are raised to believe in the same things as our parents. My parents have often gotten offended when I have ideas that stray from what they have taught me. In addition, we learn that we represent our family name, so it’s important to do things that make the family proud. I find that these beliefs that were implanted into my brain from a young age have caused problems for me as I’ve grown, especially in the area of love.

From a young age, I knew my parents wanted me to find a nice Egyptian Christian man to settle down with. Someone who shares my cultural beliefs and values marriage as a life-long commitment. Someone who will understand the importance of family. And if he happens to be a doctor or an engineer, well that’s just icing on the cake.

The problem: we’re in AMERICA! As hard as my parents tried to raise me as if we were back home, it didn’t fully work. I was surrounded by every race in public school & college. I have friends from every walk of life and I experienced things that my parents couldn’t have foreseen. I started having my own opinions, many times different from those of my parents, early on and as I matured, that just continued to grow. Often times I found myself feeling guilty. Other times I even felt ashamed because our culture is so intertwined with religion that I felt like I was sinning. Then to complicate it even more, I have more options here than back home…I know what chemistry is and I know what it feels like to be swept off my feet. Back home & back then, our parents only looked to what was good on paper to come together. It was simpler times and having a man with a steady job who came from a good family was enough. Now a days and in this country, it’s not that easy…

The hardest part part for me: I was not attracted to my parents ideal man for me. I’m not talking about any specific person, just their image of who they wanted their daughter to end up with. Every guy that they (or family friends) tried to introduce me to failed in my eyes. And every guy that I was interested in failed in their eyes. Next thing I knew, this became a battle. A battle between my desire to please my parents who had done so much for me and the desire to hold out for what I really wanted in a future husband.

Issue #1 – I felt so often that I couldn’t find a happy medium and that I would have to settle one way or the other. I gave guys that my aunts introduced me to a chance only to please my parents. These guys were of no interest to me…some I couldn’t understand because their English was so broken…others showed no interest in me at all…others had such strict old-school beliefs…none of which I wanted for myself. I felt like the only way to make Mama & Baba happy was to be with someone who they loved, regardless of my feelings. I felt like I needed to stop holding out for what I wanted and just give in because it was so much easier than disappointing them. All they want is to pass their daughter onto a man that they felt would take care of me…as if my bachelor’s & master’s degrees and my steady job (that paid all my own bills and allowed me to live comfortably) were not enough to take care of me. Those of us that are a part of this type of culture know that our parents only want the best for us, but often they don’t realize that we know a few things about what’s best for us as well.

Issue #2 – The respect for my parents and the desire to please them began making me question if what I wanted in a significant other was correct. My mom would tell me that I’m being picky. So I would begin to think about all the reasons I was not interested in these men. Was it wrong to want to be able to communicate with him without the language barrier as a concern? Was it wrong to want a man who was really into me? Was it wrong to man who had more modernized views so he could respect my independence? This created mixed feelings about what I wanted for myself.

I know I’m not the only one who’s felt torn about these matters. In fact, my friend said it perfectly, “My parent’s concerns makes sense to me so I second guess myself. I wonder if I’m living in a fools world and if I am being unreasonable.”
The struggle we have is finding our own views in the midst of our parents suggestions…and their suggestions are so strong! We have such respect for them, as we should, but finding the balance between what is their thinking & what you really feel/think is the difficult part that is what I call being TORN. So where is your happy medium?

I had to realize that:

~What I want in a future mate is important because in the end, I would be stuck living with that man for the rest of my life. Not my parents, ME.
~My parents raised me right and I have these ideas about my future partly because of how I was brought up. The other ideas came from my relationship with God, so they have to be worth something!
~My experiences in all relationships and life shaped and sharpened my views, and that is worth more to me than what my culture believes is right. I have been through enough dating scenarios to help me figure out what qualities in a man I DO NOT want (my dealbreaker list) and what qualities I have to have.

My only answer is to pray about all those struggles and be self-aware of my own needs. Doing this can help us make wise decisions in the love arena and will help ease the need to please our parents. We are here to live our own lives, not someone else’s.

NOTE: self-awareness comes from emotional intelligence (to be discussed later). It’s a matter of knowing who YOU are, what is important to you, and what triggers your emotions. It helps you get a better view of what you want or don’t want, what you like or dislike, what you must have, and what your deal-breakers are.

Again, Oprah’s wisdom applies,

“Often we don’t even realize who we’re meant to be because we’re so busy trying to live out someone else’s ideas. But other people and their opinions hold no power in defining our destiny.”

Lately, I’ve been thinking about what draws people to one another. Remember last week’s entry? About working on yourself instead of obsessing over finding the one? [all you have to do is scroll down to see it ]
Well, #2 step had to do with having a positive attitude and I think that can only come through personal happiness, or even better, contentment.

After thinking about my conversations with my wise friend + all the the self-help items I’ve read…it dawned on me there are actually things that you can do to affect your happiness and getting married isn’t on the list. I just couldn’t keep this great info to myself:

A. Having an attitude of gratitude – I personally have to write notes as I study (yes for school) in order for something to sink in…I even write my prayers out. So it is naturally to apply that same thing here. Writing things down allows our brains to register it more completely. When something is in writing, our head believes it more than just words & it actually sticks.
-IDEA: make a list of the things you are grateful for daily. I don’t mean a mile long list, just something simple that could have 3 things you are thankful for daily.
>For example: I’m thankful for my amazing family (who I just spent the weekend with) so that would go on my list along with: having a job in a coming-up-downturn-economy and being physically able to finish 8 miles on the bike today!
***Much research states that those who kept such a list had better lives and better health.***
And this is a great way to draw you closer to God.
Optional tip: maybe you’re not the writing type, so have a mental list or maybe a note on your phone or computer, but just make sure to make the effort to consciously think about this daily!!!!
-Result = when you are grateful for things in your life, you appreciate the day-to-day more and you pass this positive vibe to others.

B. Start a Worry List – I know I am a great worrier! And in this area, I worried about my future and of course my parents (who kept notifying me that time was ticking!). I found an article in Focal Point Magazine (from one of my daily devotionals) helpeful. The author, Paul Borden, gave some advice to us worry warts.
-IDEA: Start a worry list. Write down what you’re worried about. The bills. Your job. Your family. Your health. The future.
Turn your worry list into a prayer list. Ask God to work in those situations you’re concerned about. Pray specifically for your needs and depend on Him.
Turn your prayer list into an action list. If you have any insight that there’s something you can do about your cares, do it.
-Result = you are indirectly claiming what you want and giving it up to God.

C. Integrating new habits – we all have habits right? Some good, others bad, so why not start a new habit that is focused on your happiness?
-IDEA: This could mean that you will do some type of exercise you love each day or maybe it’s meeting up with friends for dinner/coffee 1x per week or turning off all modes of communication, just sitting down, and reading your favorite book.
***Whatever small thing makes you happy, DO IT!***
-Result = your mind will feel better! If you’re doing something that makes you happy, your body releases chemicals to the brain that put you in a better mood (obviously exercise is the best way because it releases endorphins) and when you feel that good, there is no room for depression or pessimism.

D. Just Pray – Oh how simple. But this quiet time with God allows you to clear your head, not to mention let it out. (Personally, there is nothing that makes me feel better than feeling God’s presence in my life.)
-IDEA: Take this time to purge yourself of whatever is bothering/hurting you…put your cares on Him. But don’t forget to slip in a little gratitude too.
-Result = you allow yourself time away from the chaos that life brings and you cleanse your heart & mind, which makes for a less-stressed, happier individual.

E. Tis Better to GIVE than receive – How many times have you heard that? But being nice to others has its benefits!
-IDEA: Random acts of kindness.
A while back I read about a six-week study that found that people who performed five acts of kindness each week, even small ones, felt better about themselves for more than a month afterward.
***This allows you to also stop being so selfish!*** (Think about how easy it is to be selfish…yep…ridiculous)
-I did this as a part of a Bible study and I can’t tell you how amazing I felt and how pleasant I was.
Just remember, this shouldn’t be done so you can get something in return or gain praise. These acts should be small and not draw attention to you because the focus is being kind to others, not how generous you are.
-Result = happier you!

All this stuff helps your mood adjust to the cheerful side. But even better, it helps you re-train your brain to think positively and that can only have great health effects. Similar energy is naturally drawn to each other, therefore, if you have positive energy, you will attract positive energy. Look at it this way: Thinking Positive = Better Mood = Smiling More = Raises Confidence & Positive Energy & Makes you more Attractive.
[If you don't believe it, read this: http://www.beliefnet.com/Inspiration/2006/03/Smiling-A-Simple-Way-To-Feel-Good.aspx]

In my spare time, I like to browse for books (I know, lame right? ) I was at the book store and I was amazed at the volumes of books on how to snag a guy and finding ‘The One’…obviously this topic is on the mind of many single women. We all reach a point where we are soooo ready to find Mr. Right.
First, I thought, “Do guys feel the same way? Do men think about finding Ms. Right and seek guidance in that regard?” [So for all you men out there, please help shed some light on that!]

Then I began thinking about how hard women try to figure out where to meet such a guy (and sometimes wonder if such a guy exists!). We join networking organizations & social clubs, we ask all our friends (male & female) if they know anyone, we do the online dating thing, and some of us even try to do the religious conferences for the purpose of finding him.

{Side Note: that guy that is perfect for YOU does exist and I know we can get bogged down with all the discouraging day-to-day stuff that makes us believe this isn’t true, but the reason you should know it’s true is because you have faith in God and in His timing, you’ll meet not only Mr. right, but Mr. OHHHH So Right!!! }

Through many conversations with my girls, I’ve found women are so quick to obsess on meeting Mr. Right. And in many cases I’ve seen, maybe the focus should be on being Ms. Right. (I’ll give you some time here to take that in )

That doesn’t mean being perfect, but rather working on yourself in general.
In my life, I found that things life throws at me can have negative effects on my views/beliefs of ourselves, men/women, and/or relationships. Certain experiences can make a person bitter or negative…but to counteract that, a person can work on oneself.
There was an experience in my past that made it difficult for me to trust others and hindered my ability to get close to people. I prayed (and continue to pray) that God makes me better each day and I work on overcoming my insecurities daily (we all have insecurities even if we don’t want to admit it).

For me, this thought helpded:before you obsess over looking for your better half, get right with yourself first.

There are certain qualities that help you individually and can be attractive to men > it’s like killing 2 birds with one stone! [And guys, this can go for you too.] These have come from my friends and many articles/research I’ve read over the years that helped me along the way.

1. Stop worrying if he’s just not that into you, how about you be just that into yourself first!!!
Realize that you are an intelligent, independent person who has a great sense of humor and outer beauty to go along with that amazing personality. If you don’t see all your good qualities, then how can you expect anyone else to see them?
>Confidence is no joke and people notice if you have it! It shows by the way you carry yourself, how you speak, and even how you flirt.
>Individuals with low-self esteem are pegged as needy and not many people want to deal with that. Eventually, a person will tire of having to always reassure you or build you up.
The fix here is to get your own view on YOU right . So if that means looking in the mirror and complimenting yourself, then do it! No one is watching.

2. Attitude is everything.
Having a positive outlook on things creates a happier life for you. If a person has a negative view on everything, no one wants to be around that. This trait goes along in any life setting, be it work, friendship, family, or love. A positive attitude can radiate off of you and it’s contagious.
>People want to be around someone who sees things in a positive manner and it helps you more internally content. Who wouldn’t want to do this?
>This is achieved by thinking more positive and speaking more positive. Stop hating on every little thing! We all have our moments, no doubt, but the goal here is to check your overall attitude.

3. You’re passionate about more than just finding a man/woman!
Having something to be passionate about does wonders for your personal happiness and contentment. I know some of us don’t have the job we’ve always dreamed of (this is a shout out to all my 10 key calculator buddies ) But there are other things to get passionate about.
>A simple hobby, some kind of class, volunteer work, friends! Have something that you can get enthusiastic about and holds your interest (um, other than man/woman hunting. LOL)
>A person who is passionate about things in life shows they don’t want to let life pass them by without doing anything. I know I can’t stand it when a guy has no interests or goals or passions. I want him to show something motivates him and most men feel the same way about women. And they especially want to know we have something that motivates us besides them! A guy/girl shouldn’t be our sole source of happiness (let’s face it, that’s a huge weight on his/her shoulders & can often end up being a major letdown).

4. Compromise is a beautiful thing.
This is a skill that is necessary in all aspects of life. We are required to do this in so many of our relationships and mastering this will make things go so much smoother. But it seems that the older people get, the more set in our ways we become.
>It shows that you can be understanding and put yourself in another person’s shoes.
>It shows you’re not selfish.
>And of course, it allows you to feel good inside because you’re not getting annoyed about every little thing that people do. A person who can’t compromise get’s agitated when they don’t get their way and who wants to be that girl who throws tantrums and whines?

5. Stop being a man hater! Or a woman-hater!
Yes, I said it. Often times, all women will face the fact that she will be burned by some dude and sometimes it’ll be more than 1. But that shouldn’t be blanketed to the entire male species. Afterall, we can’t stand it when men fit us into bad stereotypes, so let’s be fair and not do it to them.
>This will only help you be a more positive person (see # 2) which means a happier you! It helps with your attitude towards ALL people and makes you more open-minded!
>Guys can tell when a woman is a hater and what guy wants to be around a woman who already buckets him into the bad category?

These are just 5 simple ways to start you off working on Y-O-U or just get you thinking about how important your feelings toward yourself are!

Loving yourself & thinking positively makes it easier for others to love you.

Single. Egyptian. Christian.

Three of the only things I heard about guys when my family friends tried to repeatedly set me up. Oh, and let me not forget, his occupation. As if the only things that matter in a relationship is religion, work, and race.

I am a 27-year-old, first generation-in-the-States, Christian, Egyptian, and I am….(wait for it)…NOT married. But it seems that this phenomenon is much more common now.
If you’re Egyptian, Palestinian, Lebanese, Saudi, Persian, Libyan, Jordanian, Syrian, Turkish, Yemeni, Moroccan, Indian, Pakistani, Bangladeshi….and the list goes on and on (forgive me if I forget anyone )….you may relate.
Regardless of religion, our cultures have similar ideas about marriage and life, and as first generation away from ‘home’, we often have to bare the pressure.

I know many beautiful, independent, intelligent women who have all their stuff together, but are still single.
I know good men who are well educated, successful, commitment ready, but are still single.
The common theme is the same amongst both groups; they are in their mid-20′s to mid-30s and are dying to get married. It’s as if they can’t stand their singleness! But WHY?

From my experience, it comes down to cultural pressure. As the great Oprah Winfrey put it,

“Often we don’t even realize who we’re meant to be because we’re so busy trying to live out someone else’s ideas. But other people and their opinions hold no power in defining our destiny.”

For starters, culture can make you feel that marriage and children are the finality of your life…as if life doesn’t begin until you have a husband or wife. But it’s up to each of us to de-bunk that theory.
A person should be content with every stage of their life because each is a gift from God and singleness is a part of that.
If you are not content as an individual, then you can’t possibly be ready to make someone else happy. TAKE NOTE: You should never look to someone else to make you happy.

Marriage + children seem to be the end all and due to this, I found myself falsely fantasizing relationships and marriage.
You can end up longing for that companionship and think about all the good that comes with it (i.e. engagement ring, wedding, buying a house, romance, etc.) But….
…rarely think about the ‘other side’ which is the work that comes along with it!
…rarely considering the hard issues that will be tackled later, like finances, family, and kids!
Balance is important and staying aware of all the issues that can arise when sharing your life with someone is even more crucial.

Cultural beliefs also have a way to bring to light demands regarding the person you end up with…it always amazed me how many requirements were on my parent’s list for my future significant other.
He/She has to be a certain race and/or religion.
He/She has to have a particular level of education.
He/She has to be of a certain status AKA come from a ‘good’ family.
He/She has to….(you can fill in the rest as it applies to your situation)
The result = pressure!
These are regular thoughts that would go through my mind:
“It’s hard enough to find someone that posses all that I want.”
“It’s hard enough to find someone that I’m actually compatible with.”
“It’s hard enough to find someone I’m attracted to and share chemistry with.”
“Hehas to posses all that my parents want as well? Impossible!”
I found that no matter how much I ‘put myself out there’, I didn’t have much control in the dating arena.
So, I began believing that it is possible to find “The One”, but I have to
stop being so impatient.
Realize that it’s not in my timing, but God’s, and until then,
work on what I can control >myself!
Of course I still have standards, that’s where my list comes in…I feel like everyone should have a personal deal-breaker lists
(we’ll discuss this further later).

Have you ever felt the same way or thought the same thing?
All these factors + many points of pressure + emotions = frustration.
Not to mention the fact that it may hinder who you are and do what you want to do.
Just like Oprah said, no one else’s opinion should dictate what you accomplish.
So….what about your own happiness?

That is the purpose of this blog
…to create an outlet for all of those in this similar boat
…to bring up topics that we all think about secretly or discuss only among our inner circles
…to put it all out there to justify you are not crazy

We will be talking about anything and everything related to dating/relationships/marriage/singleness/individual contentment/personal growth with each new blog posting.

I want to hear your thoughts as well, so join me & speak up!

***I just want to note that my ideas & beliefs didn’t just come to me one day. They have come from numerous conversations with and the advice of great, astute individuals in my life who have named me a friend, which I’ve been blessed & honored for [side note: one particular person has helped me find my sanity & guided me in my hard moments, Thank you TK]. Some of the ideas are from books and articles, but I’ll quote my source related to those.***