Timelines & Relationships

Posted by myqismah on March 30, 2011 · 2 Comments 

Recent conversations with friends caused my mind to wander about the topic of rushing into relationships.

DISCLAIMER: These are only my thoughts on this matter and I am not trying to impose them on anyone else. Each person is entitled to their own opinions and beliefs. I do not believe in judging others.

Are you someone who gasps at the thought of someone getting engaged before dating at least one full year? Do you believe two people are rushing a relationship if they do get engaged before your timeline?

I used to be one of those people, but over time, I’ve realize that every person and every relationship and every situation is different.

There are many factors that play into the serious decision for marriage. Only the two individuals in that relationship know what those are and if the factors align properly. Those of us on the outside do not know what those two people have and what elements brought them to that final decision.

We each have to realize that our own experiences in prior relationships and dating warrants us to set certain timelines and beliefs. This was exactly what happened after I was cheated on years go. I promised myself that I would get to know a guy well before I even considered him potential. [That's where the deal-breaker list and my must have list came to aid.]

During my single time, I worked on ME and made ME the focus, not pursuit of getting married. I healed from the hurt and I figured out (prayer helped) what I truly needed in a husband, what I really wanted in a husband, and what I was not going to put up with. They became my emotional gauge. What’s that mean? It means until a guy showed me those qualities I needed and wanted, then I wouldn’t even considered him as potential for my future. Don’t get me wrong, I still dated and enjoyed getting to know others and spending time with others, but I didn’t think about every guy as maybe “the One” and I didn’t expect too much out of him.

After talking to individuals who dated only 6 months before getting engaged and then talking to individuals who dated 5+ years before getting engaged. I realized that time doesn’t matter. What matters is the way two people communicate and make an effort to love each other and how committed they are to the relationship. The couples who dated for short time periods said it didn’t feel rushed at all, in fact, it actually didn’t feel like it happened fast enough. In the words of Harry from When Harry Met Sally:

When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible. – Harry

The POINT: each of us has our own timeline for our relationships and we can’t impose that timeline on anyone else. When you are ready, you will know. When you have found “The One”, you will know.
To each his OR her own is how I think.

REMEMBER: I don’t feel that anyone should feel rushed or pressured into anything from parents/family/friends/significant other! If I had felt pressured by my parents or rushed, I wouldn’t have even talked to him about our future…I would much rather be single now than WISH I was single later.

BUT, there are a few things that you can do to make sure you are more comfortable:

1. Make sure you are emotionally and mentally healthy before embarking on that serious train in what others may believe is a short time
2. Make sure you are healed from prior wounds
3. Know what you NEED and WANT in a future spouse (they are 2 different things!)
4. Know your deal-breakers (AKA limits AKA when to walk away)
5. Realize that committing to marriage is a serious decision
6. Make sure your communication with this person (once you meet them) is unhindered so each of you are on the same page

That’s just my 2 cents on this subject. Like I said, to each his OR her own.

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Filed under Being Personally Content, Marriage