In another sense, I wonder how harmful it can be. I speak from personal experience when I say that the issue of control can bleed into areas of one’s life that one truly has no control over. I easily allow the control mentality to take over parts of my life then I find myself so frustrated and overwhelmed when things don’t go exactly as I planned them.

Let’s look at examples of my own personal battles to control things around me:

#1. I planned out each class I would take each semester in undergrad my freshman year. Reality was that if a class was full before I got to enroll, there was no way I could bump someone out of it to get me in.

#2. While pursuing my Master’s degree, I planned on getting a new job (also happens to be a new career) while in grad school. My first year I worked hard on networking and building great relationships and my second year I applied for TONS of jobs. Reality was I graduated and still had the same job that I was supposed to have been done with 1 year ago.

#3. As a 21-year-old, I would tell my friends that I wanted to be engaged by the time I was 25, that way I could get married around 26 and have time to spend with my new hubby before even thinking about kids. Reality was that I didn’t even meet the man I would call my hubby until I was 27.

With these examples in mind, what are you holding control of in your life? Are they things you can really control? Or are they things you need to let go and let God handle?

I believe it’s great to have a plan and goals, but control turns into poison quickly when you feel that you try to force others to do things according to your plan. Why? Because A. It’s shouldn’t be about YOUR plan, it should be about God’s plan! and B. YOU can not and should not control others!

Think about how this can be an issue in regards to romantic relationships. Often we force someone to be who we want them to be according to our plan. The reality is that if we try to force someone to be something they are not, it won’t stick for long. Often we are quick to write someone off at the glimpse of actions or characteristics that don’t fit into our plan. The reality is if we quickly dismiss those who seem not to fit into our plan, we could be missing out on someone great!

In all you do, keep in mind that:
1. Baseline plan is to help guide you, then all you can do is go with the flow and adjust as needed.
2. All you can do is work on your skills and keep trying and thinking positive, otherwise you will be frustrated and may feel like a failure.
3. Let go & let God

With time, I’ve accepted the fact that I can only control my diet and exercise (health if you will), my thoughts, my beliefs, and my attitude…the rest I pray about and try not to obsess over. Is it easy? NO, it goes against my personality….but I have to do it or I’d be sick over it.

With that, remember

“You cannot control what happens to you, but you can control your attitude toward what happens to you, and in that, you will be mastering change rather than allowing it to master you.” – Brian Tracy

DISCLAIMER: These are only my thoughts on this matter and I am not trying to impose them on anyone else. Each person is entitled to their own opinions and beliefs. I do not believe in judging others.

Are you someone who gasps at the thought of someone getting engaged before dating at least one full year? Do you believe two people are rushing a relationship if they do get engaged before your timeline?

I used to be one of those people, but over time, I’ve realize that every person and every relationship and every situation is different.

There are many factors that play into the serious decision for marriage. Only the two individuals in that relationship know what those are and if the factors align properly. Those of us on the outside do not know what those two people have and what elements brought them to that final decision.

We each have to realize that our own experiences in prior relationships and dating warrants us to set certain timelines and beliefs. This was exactly what happened after I was cheated on years go. I promised myself that I would get to know a guy well before I even considered him potential. [That's where the deal-breaker list and my must have list came to aid.]

During my single time, I worked on ME and made ME the focus, not pursuit of getting married. I healed from the hurt and I figured out (prayer helped) what I truly needed in a husband, what I really wanted in a husband, and what I was not going to put up with. They became my emotional gauge. What’s that mean? It means until a guy showed me those qualities I needed and wanted, then I wouldn’t even considered him as potential for my future. Don’t get me wrong, I still dated and enjoyed getting to know others and spending time with others, but I didn’t think about every guy as maybe “the One” and I didn’t expect too much out of him.

After talking to individuals who dated only 6 months before getting engaged and then talking to individuals who dated 5+ years before getting engaged. I realized that time doesn’t matter. What matters is the way two people communicate and make an effort to love each other and how committed they are to the relationship. The couples who dated for short time periods said it didn’t feel rushed at all, in fact, it actually didn’t feel like it happened fast enough. In the words of Harry from When Harry Met Sally:

When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible. – Harry

The POINT: each of us has our own timeline for our relationships and we can’t impose that timeline on anyone else. When you are ready, you will know. When you have found “The One”, you will know.
To each his OR her own is how I think.

REMEMBER: I don’t feel that anyone should feel rushed or pressured into anything from parents/family/friends/significant other! If I had felt pressured by my parents or rushed, I wouldn’t have even talked to him about our future…I would much rather be single now than WISH I was single later.

BUT, there are a few things that you can do to make sure you are more comfortable:

1. Make sure you are emotionally and mentally healthy before embarking on that serious train in what others may believe is a short time
2. Make sure you are healed from prior wounds
3. Know what you NEED and WANT in a future spouse (they are 2 different things!)
4. Know your deal-breakers (AKA limits AKA when to walk away)
5. Realize that committing to marriage is a serious decision
6. Make sure your communication with this person (once you meet them) is unhindered so each of you are on the same page

That’s just my 2 cents on this subject. Like I said, to each his OR her own.

I realized that I was wasting precious time and energy looking for Mr. Right in any guy that wanted to date me. One day it finally hit me that as a single woman ready for marriage and feeling that time was fleeting (cultural pressure), I was putting hope in each guy that approached me. I couldn’t believe that I was thinking of every man as possible potential! That allowed me to put too much energy into something that wasn’t worth effort and if focused my effort on me pleasing him rather than figuring out if he could please me.

How many of you ladies have done this repeatedly? If you have, you know it’s exhausting and disappointing.
But do you realize that you are worth more than that? Do you see that not just any man should be given the honor of being considered potential for you?

Men, maybe this is or has happened to you as well.

You need to realize that not just anyone should take all your effort, energy, thoughts, and time. Not just any man/woman deserves to be on your maybe list for settling down. You are worth more than that and before wasting all your efforts in trying to get him/her to like you, you need to figure out if you even like him/her!!!

Single individuals experience rejection and disappointment so often that it becomes an obsession to just want to be wanted. Add the culture pressure of needing to get married by a certain age, and you have a horrible combination for desperation.

Stop the cycle and realize your worth. Take a long look at what you have to offer someone special, doesn’t all that deserve to go to someone worthy of it? Then maybe when you meet someone new, you can go into it with a mindset of getting to know him/her instead of focusing on just impressing him/her. You may find out quicker that he/she isn’t even worth impressing!

If you don’t see your worth, then you need to find your worth. Make a list of all the great things you can offer in a relationship and keep reviewing and adding to it. The more you think about it, the better ingrained in your mind it will be.

After more informal surveys, this time of many different men, MyQismah is bringing that same helpful data to all the ladies. Men of different ages, races, and backgrounds have helped answer these questions and we aggregated the top similarities.

Here it is, Things He wishes She knew….read, learn, remember.

1. If I can laugh with you, I can love you.

2. If I’m attracted to your mind, your physical appearance won’t matter so much.

3. Being a team player is crucial. If I’m the bread-winner, then you should be contributing to the household in someway.

4. I enjoy surprises too.

5. I’m scared of losing my free time.

6. Just because I act like I don’t want to attend religious services, doesn’t mean I don’t want to. Just ask me.

7. If I’m not affectionate towards you, something is wrong.

8. A well endowed woman isn’t always better…it doesn’t matter the size, they are all fun.

9. Longer hair is always better.

10. It’s important for me that my friends like you.

11. I find you most attractive when we’re on the same page. We understand each other’s beliefs, values, etc.

12. I need you to be affectionate towards me.

13. I appreciate getting gifts that I need versus gifts I want because I usually put off buying things I need.

14. I purposefully forget things about our relationship to make you think that you know everything about the relationship.

15. Don’t ask me what I’m thinking. I’ll share if I want you to know.

16. I love it when you cook for me, even if you don’t really know how to cook.

17. I’m not a mind reader, so just tell me if something is bothering you.

18. Mean what you say.

19. I like to be chased also.

20. When I’m quiet, it’s not a bad thing….sometimes I don’t have anything on my mind. It’s possible.

21. Just because we’re in a committed relationship doesn’t mean you have to stop being a lady.

22. Sometimes I’m just not in the mood.

23. Give me credit when it’s due.

24. Please don’t ask for my opinion if you’re not prepared to hear the truth.

25. Don’t demand chivalry, appreciate it when it happens.

26. You aren’t the only one who can get insecure. I have my insecurities too.

27. I don’t need to see or hear about all your flaws on our first date.

28. Never try to change me fundamentally.

29. If I have to continually win your affection, then I feel like I’ll never fully have it. (that means I’ll consider this a waste of my
time/energy).

30. I can get moody too.

31. I like getting gifts just as much as you do.

32. I don’t trust your male friends.

33. It can be hard for me to open up, so please handle with care.

34. If you’re naturally outgoing, be mindful not to flirt with other men around me.

35. If you want to be treated as my equal, while being treated as a lady, give me the same respect and treat me like a man, especially in public.

36. If you are going to nitpick at all my faults, expect backlash.

37. It takes courage for me to ask you out, so don’t just flirt to flirt….make your intentions known from the start. If you’re not interested, stop.

38. Even though we may consider one another best friends, please take heed when talking about past relationships with me.

39. Men show their love in different ways. Some are verbal, but others can only show it through actions.

40. If you break up with a guy, don’t expect to be his friend right away. It takes time for me to heal too.

41. Before complaining about things I stopped doing that I did at the start of our relationship, stop and think about the things you used to do that you stopped doing.

42. It’s great if you continue to try to impress me even after you’ve won my heart. (i.e. dressing up)

43. If you tell me that your parents won’t like me, don’t be surprised if I don’t make an effort to impress them.

44. In dating, you pretty much have most of the control in regards to how far we go physically. If you hold out, it will mean I’ll learn to care for you more.

45. I like to be complimented too.

46. Self confidence is the ultimate turn on

Every where I go lately, it seems that men are telling me how complicated women are. Are women that complex? Can men really not understand us? Ladies, how do you feel about that?

I actually don’t blame you guys. I understand that our emotions and expectations of you reading our minds (LOL) can make you feel clueless when it comes to figuring us out. But trust me, we are not an enigma.

And since I feel for you guys out there, I decided to help you out a bit. (Ladies, this could help you too)

Here is a list that was compiled via informal survey of many different women. Women of different ages, races, and backgrounds have helped answer these questions. All I did was aggregate the top similarities.

Ok, I’ve made you wait long enough. Ready? Here it is, Things She wishes He knew….read, learn, remember.

(oh, and don’t worry, next week we will have Things He wishes She knew)

1. Attraction is more than looks to me. It’s about the way you walk, talk, and carry yourself too.

2. Asking me out directly without lame lines or beating around the bush usually warrants a YES answer.

3. I love it when a guy is honest from the start about his intentions.

4. I remember everything about our relationship.

5. I expect you to call me. Not just text or IM or email me, but CALL me.

6. I love knowing you’re thinking about me throughout the day, so random texts or IMs always bring a smile to my face.

7. A lady should always be greeted with a kiss.

8. The sweetest kiss from you is on my hand or forehead.

9. I’m in heaven when you hold my hand.

10. Please prove that chivalry isn’t dead. All it takes is opening doors for me. (That means open the door, let me in first, and then you can follow.)

11. I need to hear how you feel about me. Tell me often.

12. I expect you to ask me out and take me on dates even if we’ve been together for a while.

13. Even if I always take pride in my appearance, I still make an extra effort to look nice for you.

14. With #13 being said, please notice how I look and compliment me on it.

15. Shopping for new clothes/shoes/bags is great not because of the material aspect, but because of how I feel when I wear them.

16. Just because I like to look nice doesn’t make me high maintenance.

17. I don’t need fancy dress-up dates always, but every so often they are nice.

18. I enjoy planning things for us to do, but it’s nice if you step up and do this every now and then. (don’t forget #17)

19. Simple surprises are wonderful.

20. Even if I say flowers are waste of money, I still want to receive them at work for a special occasion or just because.

21. Celebrating our anniversary, even if it’s only been a few months, earns major bonus points. (The point here is that you remembered.)

22. When you give me a card, make sure you write something sentimental and sweet in it. Just signing your name is lame.

23. Making me feel special on my birthday is a necessity.

24. Listen for clues on gift ideas because trust me, I will sneak them in.

25. I love it when a guy knows how to dress.

26. When in doubt, go with the shirt that matches your eye color or compliments your skin tone.

27. I really do notice if your belt matches your shoes.

28. I like wearing your clothes.

29. I LOVE it when you tell me what you’re thinking, especially without me having to ask.

30. I want to be the best thing that ever happened to you–and for you to recognize this.

31. There is just something about a man who likes and knows how to deal with children.

32. If I’m not affectionate towards you, something is seriously wrong.

33. You should never tell me what to do. Only suggestions are appropriate.

34. I’m scared of losing my independence.

35. As much as I love and admire my mother, I’m terrified of becoming like her.

36. I fear falling into any stereotypes that are blanketed towards women. Examples: nagging or being needy. I work hard at NOT fitting into those, so don’t peg me in such categorizes.

37. I’m more forgiving of you than I really should be. (and I fear being taken advantage of because of this)

38. When I seem distant, but I keep saying I’m fine, you should know I’m not. Call me out on it.

39. I’m very impressed when you ask for my advice.

40. I’m unimpressed with a man who can’t take the lead.

41. It’s cheating as soon as you’re doing something with her that you wouldn’t want me to see, hear, read…

42. For the record: I’d much rather you break up with me than cheat on me.

43. It’s important to me that my family and friends like you.

44. I need my alone time too.

45. I’m always willing to give something a chance if you love it and I’d hope you’d do the same for me.

Those customs come from the belief that a person’s life only has worth once they are married and in the process of starting a family. Remember in my intro blog entry? Go ahead, take a moment to refresh your memory. Our cultures make us believe that we are not complete until we have a husband or wife.

Ms. Abdul-Aal takes a humorous view on the ‘marriage crisis’ that is in full play in the Middle East. This so-called crisis is that more and more individuals are taking their time getting married due to financial concerns. In my culture, before a man can propose to a woman, or rather approach her family for her hand, he should have a fully furnished place to live. In the Middle East, housing isn’t as readily available and affordable like it is in the USA. Not only that, but throwing a wedding costs money…which I think is a reality no matter where we live. Due to the current state of the global economy, unemployment overseas of young adults is at its highest which is the catalyst for the slowdown of marriages. Abdul-Aal shares in an article by NPR.org that unemployment for college graduates in Egypt is at 25%, which explains to me why some of my cousins back home have been having a difficult time finding jobs at this time. I know this may seem like no big deal, but this means that the average age of marriage in Egypt is on the rise and that goes against the cultural norms and beliefs.

This got me thinking about how this ‘crisis’ isn’t just a problem overseas, but also right here in the good old United States. For first-generation-immigrant children, the reason for our average marriage age rising may not be due to the economy and financial problems, it still seems to be a concern. I know many women who are getting closer to the big 3-0 (and some who’ve passed it) who are not yet married. Why do I point out women specifically? Because of the negative beliefs that come with this in our cultures. Ms. Abdul-Aal put it excellently, “Thirty is the death sentence for single women. When you are 30, it’s like you have this big label of, like, failure, or pathetic or ugly.” Of course I think this belief is absolutely RIDICULOUS, but such ideas from our cultures and our parents can easily be transferred to us. I know many amazing women who have begun to believe this, which saddens me greatly because whether or not we are married shouldn’t define our worth. But this blog entry isn’t really about that, so let’s not dwell.

I wanted to point out the awesomeness (sure that’s a word) of Ghada Abdul-Aal for not allowing the culture’s beliefs to define her or her worth. She is showing what a confident woman should be and has managed to say no to her unsuitable suitors, even though she is 31 years old. For all you who know these cultures, you understand the magnitude of this woman to be in Egypt, single, and sharing it with the world despite the pressures of her family! She said beautifully, “It’s controlling us. They are pushing us to take wrong choices. And I feel we are obligated to humiliate ourselves to obey all the rules of the society.” Is anyone else thinking WOW??? I am. I wish that we can all learn from this great example and not succumb to the pressures or beliefs of our cultures.

Ms. Abdul-Aal is not the only one overseas who is trying to bring to light the crisis isn’t really a crisis and that the matchmaking ways are a problem. Check out this article further: http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=129253493. It’s creating a new era and it’s creating new views that are being taught to the young women in Egypt, which means it will be a matter of time before those young women will spread those views and things can begin to change. This is what excited me most…but it got me thinking further about those of us who have this problem right here in the States. Our parents aren’t getting exposed to the reasons for the crisis back home and our young women aren’t getting educated on how absurd the old-school beliefs really are. Instead, we are stuck between the American belief that marriage doesn’t define us and our parents/cultures beliefs that marriage completes us. So if they are slowing becoming more enlightened overseas, maybe there is hope for change here?!

For those of you who read Arabic, check out this awesome blog: http://wanna-b-a-bride.blogspot.com/. And for those who don’t read Arabic, wait for the book in English.

Tell me that is not adorable? Not only did I find it precious, but I found it extremely refreshing.

Have you ever tried doing this? I mean getting in front of a mirror just like this little girl did and listing out everything you like or love or are thankful for? And doing it around the Thanksgiving dinner table doesn’t count! I’m talking about on any given regular day.

I wish that I could have such a positive and grateful attitude on a daily basis like little Jessica. I can only imagine how much better my outlook on my life would be…how much more content I’d be…how much more I’d smile…Can you?

Affirmations. [af-er-mey-shuhns]. According to the Wiki definition, an affirmation is a declaration that something is true. That means declaring truth about your life and your situation.
Positive affirmations, which you witnessed a perfect example of in the video, can be key to positive thinking. It can take you one step closer to re-programming your mindset and help you release all the self-pity negative thoughts.

Life wears on us. Work, family, finances, dating…they all take a toll. We all have good and bad experiences, but looking at my own situation, I seem to remember more of the bad vs the good. What a slippery slope for negative thinking this creates!
In addition, we all have insecurities.
Each individual has something or somethings that they would like to change about him or her self. This could be a physical attribute like wishing you had lighter circles under your eyes or that you could lose 10 pounds or that you could have more defined arms…and the list goes on and on.
Each individual also has something or somethings that they would like to change about their current life. This could be a more fulfilling job or making much more money or owning a Ferrari…and again, the list goes on and on.
Regardless of what form your personal insecurities come, they can easily place you in self-pity mode and wishing for a better life.

Take a moment here to think about your life. Think about your parents, your siblings, your family…think about your job, the roof over you head, the clothes on your back, the car you drive…think about all the food you have at your disposal…think about the traveling you’re able to do…Is your life that bad? Don’t you have a lot to be grateful for?

I dare you to make a positive affirmations list, I dare you to stand in front of your mirror and recite those affirmations, then I dare you to incorporate this strategy into a regular routine. See how much of a difference in your mental state and thinking this makes.

“Affirm the positive, visualize the positive and expect the positive, and your life will change accordingly.” -Remez Sasson

It is that powerful! Just remember to think like little Jessica, “I can do anything good…I like my house…I like my hair…I can do anything good, better than anyone else.”

For more ideas and suggestions about affirmations visit http://www.vitalaffirmations.com/ and http://www.audreymarlene-lifecoach.com/affirmations.html for the benefits of positive affirmations and examples.

I was at a birthday dinner with my girls and the topic of settling came up. Should anyone have to settle? Does accepting certain traits you normally don’t like mean you’re settling? How can you avoid settling?

It seems that as we mature and go through greater experiences in the relationship realm, our idea of Mr./Ms. Right is tweaked or changed. Our biases also grow and become more concrete. And there in lies the problem. It’s natural that with every experience a person learns or changes their prior ideas, but the important thing is that such change is for the better, not worse. From my great ‘girl’ talks, I’ve noticed that is rarely the case though. Human nature is to protect our self, so with every dating/relationship scenario that goes wrong, it can easily make a person bitter or more guarded. Don Miguel Ruiz, author of Mastery of Love, stated, “In order to protect our emotional wounds…humans create…a big denial system…we lie so perfectly that we lie to ourselves.” Due to this need for protecting our hearts, we can create unfair standards or set unrealistic expectations of what Mr./Ms. Right should posses. We all deserve to have standards though! But where is the line between settling and being open-minded?

The negative things that hurt us/cause pain create walls to protect us, while the positive things end up being magnified.
EXAMPLE I: A Middle Eastern woman who dates an African-American man. There is strong chemistry between the two and everyone finds him attractive, but doesn’t value family as she does and his career is in an unstable state. He doesn’t want to get serious, but she is ready for a committed relationship. He makes her laugh, he says the most romantic things to her, and she falls ‘in love’ quickly. Once he realizes she is getting serious, he begins to withdraw and only wants to hang out with her when he has free time. She deals with it even though it hurts until he breaks it off. She is devastated and vows not to fall for another guy so quickly, but longs for that attraction and chemistry. Another guy comes along who is also Middle Eastern. He gets along with her family and he is successful in his career, but she isn’t physically attracted to him. He treats her with respect and shows genuine interest in her by planning dates and letting her know she is on his mind. She gets annoyed from his attention and after 3 dates tells him she sees no future and they go their separate ways.
Should she have given the Middle Eastern guy a chance? Some of you may say yes because he is true potential. Some of you may say no because you would consider that settling.
THE WAY I SEE IT: I think that the first guy only provided physical attraction, which is a powerful thing and is hard to look past, but in the end, he would not have been good for her. Not just because of his inability to commit, but because he wasn’t that interested in her to begin with! [The 1st thing each person should see is a genuine interest from their mate...if that isn't there, doesn't matter how great everything else is!] The 2nd guy was truly interested and probably had many qualities that she wants in a future husband, but she never became physically attracted to him. Attraction is important of course, but I believe it’s more than just about looks. For me, it’s about how a man treats me, how our conversations are, how he gets along with my friends and family, how he supports/encourages me. Maybe 3 dates wasn’t enough to see all the great things about this guy?

EXAMPLE II: A 5’6″ woman is looking for a man with potential to start a serious relationship. Since she is of fair height, she has only sought after men who are at least 5’8″ or higher. If she meets a man who has so much of what she is looking for, but he’s only 5’7″, is she settling?
THE WAY I SEE IT: NO!!!! I don’t think that physical attributes should cause you to think you are settling. Giving a 5’7″ guy a chance isn’t settling if he has things that matter more than height. Who cares if you can’t wear stilettos anymore when you have an amazing man who treats you well?

Settling, in my definition, is finding someone who does not possess all the important things that you wanted in a mate and out of desperation for marriage or fear of being alone, you pursue the relationship. The key word here is important. I found an article by Gary Caine expressed this so beautifully, “Settling is entering into a relationship with a less than desirable mate for the sake of escaping the single life. It is quite common and only inevitably leads down a road of frustration. Caught up in the swirl of desperately trying to find “the one” and the constant ticking of the clock reminding people that they are getting older by the moment, can cause this to happen.”

In my culture, I feel that clock ticking. Not because I think I’m getting older with fewer prospects, but because my parents, aunts, uncles make me feel that way. That along with the fact that I truly have the desire to share my life with someone can create a great deal of pressure, and easily cause desperation. Being desperate can create a whirlwind of horrible decisions. When one is so desperate not to be alone, decisions are made based on this extreme negative emotion > FEAR. It can cause you to see things in a person for good, when those things are not even there. It can cause you to ignore the bad, even though it can create severe heartache later. It can even cause you to make ridiculous excuses for all the bad qualities that a person has. Just remember, this is based off of lying to yourself and lies always come out.

Desperation and pressure are not the only reasons for settling. Sometimes it’s a matter of being disappointed in relationships and dating on a consistant basis that requires us to settle. I know for me, I would get to a point where I was tired…even worn out of the non-potential guys that would approach me. Or tired of dating a guy who seemed so great on the surface (and on paper) but ended up having so many issues (aka baggage). This can wear on you! You may begin thinking you’ll be single forever.

Regardless of the reasons people settle, settling creates a temporary state of happiness. You are only content for a short period and it fades. Try not to let the pressure of family overpower your ability to focus on your needs for your future. Positive thinking will help you force out that fear of being alone or that feeling that you will be single always.

The flip side to this of course, is with every bad relationship we have, we create unrealistic criteria about our future mate. So the trick is finding a balance and setting reasonable expectations for your future.

So how do you figure out your reasonable expectations? That brings us to the importance of a deal-breaker list (mentioned in Myqismah’s 1st blog).

A deal-breaker/must have list is often necessary when you are looking to get serious about someone. Why? Because it defines exactly what you are looking for and can help you avoid real settling. Ask yourself, “What are the qualities I am really looking for in a future wife/husband?” “What will effect me ultimately in the long-term?”

This list should consist of all the things your significant other MUST HAVE and if that person must possess these things, then it would be a deal-breaker if he/she did not possess them. These must haves should be items that can possibly have serious future implications on a relationship. Things to include on a list could be: religious beliefs, family values, financial views, etc.

I’ll use myself as an example. I am a Christian so at the top of my deal-breaker list is a Christian man. This is because I am strong in my faith and I want to share this with my future husband. I want us to be able to attend church together. I want us to be able to pray together and for one another. I want us to read the Bible together. These are important parts of my life and I can see that if he is not up for all that, it will cause problems in our future.

This list shouldn’t have things that do not matter later! But with that being said, only you know what criteria will have future implications.

Having your deal-breakers well defined will help you easily weed out non-potential candidates. Going back to my personal example, if I meet a man who is not Christian, I keep on going. He could be an amazing man and have other wonderful qualities, but for me, there is no need to check him out because I know the religious aspect would be an issue for me later, so why go through that? Giving it a chance now will mean opening myself up to possibly really liking or loving him and all that can do is cause heartache or drama later, which I’m all for cutting off at the pass!

So, do you have a deal-breaker list? If not, would you consider creating one?

I know for me there has been an internal struggle and I’m sure many of you can relate. My parents gave up so much for us to move here. They have sacrificed regularly to provide better opportunities for their children and I’m ever so indebted to them. Which creates finding a balance between making them happy & making myself happy a challenge.

In my culture, we are raised to believe in the same things as our parents. My parents have often gotten offended when I have ideas that stray from what they have taught me. In addition, we learn that we represent our family name, so it’s important to do things that make the family proud. I find that these beliefs that were implanted into my brain from a young age have caused problems for me as I’ve grown, especially in the area of love.

From a young age, I knew my parents wanted me to find a nice Egyptian Christian man to settle down with. Someone who shares my cultural beliefs and values marriage as a life-long commitment. Someone who will understand the importance of family. And if he happens to be a doctor or an engineer, well that’s just icing on the cake.

The problem: we’re in AMERICA! As hard as my parents tried to raise me as if we were back home, it didn’t fully work. I was surrounded by every race in public school & college. I have friends from every walk of life and I experienced things that my parents couldn’t have foreseen. I started having my own opinions, many times different from those of my parents, early on and as I matured, that just continued to grow. Often times I found myself feeling guilty. Other times I even felt ashamed because our culture is so intertwined with religion that I felt like I was sinning. Then to complicate it even more, I have more options here than back home…I know what chemistry is and I know what it feels like to be swept off my feet. Back home & back then, our parents only looked to what was good on paper to come together. It was simpler times and having a man with a steady job who came from a good family was enough. Now a days and in this country, it’s not that easy…

The hardest part part for me: I was not attracted to my parents ideal man for me. I’m not talking about any specific person, just their image of who they wanted their daughter to end up with. Every guy that they (or family friends) tried to introduce me to failed in my eyes. And every guy that I was interested in failed in their eyes. Next thing I knew, this became a battle. A battle between my desire to please my parents who had done so much for me and the desire to hold out for what I really wanted in a future husband.

Issue #1 – I felt so often that I couldn’t find a happy medium and that I would have to settle one way or the other. I gave guys that my aunts introduced me to a chance only to please my parents. These guys were of no interest to me…some I couldn’t understand because their English was so broken…others showed no interest in me at all…others had such strict old-school beliefs…none of which I wanted for myself. I felt like the only way to make Mama & Baba happy was to be with someone who they loved, regardless of my feelings. I felt like I needed to stop holding out for what I wanted and just give in because it was so much easier than disappointing them. All they want is to pass their daughter onto a man that they felt would take care of me…as if my bachelor’s & master’s degrees and my steady job (that paid all my own bills and allowed me to live comfortably) were not enough to take care of me. Those of us that are a part of this type of culture know that our parents only want the best for us, but often they don’t realize that we know a few things about what’s best for us as well.

Issue #2 – The respect for my parents and the desire to please them began making me question if what I wanted in a significant other was correct. My mom would tell me that I’m being picky. So I would begin to think about all the reasons I was not interested in these men. Was it wrong to want to be able to communicate with him without the language barrier as a concern? Was it wrong to want a man who was really into me? Was it wrong to man who had more modernized views so he could respect my independence? This created mixed feelings about what I wanted for myself.

I know I’m not the only one who’s felt torn about these matters. In fact, my friend said it perfectly, “My parent’s concerns makes sense to me so I second guess myself. I wonder if I’m living in a fools world and if I am being unreasonable.”
The struggle we have is finding our own views in the midst of our parents suggestions…and their suggestions are so strong! We have such respect for them, as we should, but finding the balance between what is their thinking & what you really feel/think is the difficult part that is what I call being TORN. So where is your happy medium?

I had to realize that:

~What I want in a future mate is important because in the end, I would be stuck living with that man for the rest of my life. Not my parents, ME.
~My parents raised me right and I have these ideas about my future partly because of how I was brought up. The other ideas came from my relationship with God, so they have to be worth something!
~My experiences in all relationships and life shaped and sharpened my views, and that is worth more to me than what my culture believes is right. I have been through enough dating scenarios to help me figure out what qualities in a man I DO NOT want (my dealbreaker list) and what qualities I have to have.

My only answer is to pray about all those struggles and be self-aware of my own needs. Doing this can help us make wise decisions in the love arena and will help ease the need to please our parents. We are here to live our own lives, not someone else’s.

NOTE: self-awareness comes from emotional intelligence (to be discussed later). It’s a matter of knowing who YOU are, what is important to you, and what triggers your emotions. It helps you get a better view of what you want or don’t want, what you like or dislike, what you must have, and what your deal-breakers are.

Again, Oprah’s wisdom applies,

“Often we don’t even realize who we’re meant to be because we’re so busy trying to live out someone else’s ideas. But other people and their opinions hold no power in defining our destiny.”

After thinking about my conversations with my wise friend + all the the self-help items I’ve read…it dawned on me there are actually things that you can do to affect your happiness and getting married isn’t on the list. I just couldn’t keep this great info to myself:

A. Having an attitude of gratitude – I personally have to write notes as I study (yes for school) in order for something to sink in…I even write my prayers out. So it is naturally to apply that same thing here. Writing things down allows our brains to register it more completely. When something is in writing, our head believes it more than just words & it actually sticks.
-IDEA: make a list of the things you are grateful for daily. I don’t mean a mile long list, just something simple that could have 3 things you are thankful for daily.
>For example: I’m thankful for my amazing family (who I just spent the weekend with) so that would go on my list along with: having a job in a coming-up-downturn-economy and being physically able to finish 8 miles on the bike today!
***Much research states that those who kept such a list had better lives and better health.***
And this is a great way to draw you closer to God.
Optional tip: maybe you’re not the writing type, so have a mental list or maybe a note on your phone or computer, but just make sure to make the effort to consciously think about this daily!!!!
-Result = when you are grateful for things in your life, you appreciate the day-to-day more and you pass this positive vibe to others.

B. Start a Worry List – I know I am a great worrier! And in this area, I worried about my future and of course my parents (who kept notifying me that time was ticking!). I found an article in Focal Point Magazine (from one of my daily devotionals) helpeful. The author, Paul Borden, gave some advice to us worry warts.
-IDEA: Start a worry list. Write down what you’re worried about. The bills. Your job. Your family. Your health. The future.
Turn your worry list into a prayer list. Ask God to work in those situations you’re concerned about. Pray specifically for your needs and depend on Him.
Turn your prayer list into an action list. If you have any insight that there’s something you can do about your cares, do it.
-Result = you are indirectly claiming what you want and giving it up to God.

C. Integrating new habits – we all have habits right? Some good, others bad, so why not start a new habit that is focused on your happiness?
-IDEA: This could mean that you will do some type of exercise you love each day or maybe it’s meeting up with friends for dinner/coffee 1x per week or turning off all modes of communication, just sitting down, and reading your favorite book.
***Whatever small thing makes you happy, DO IT!***
-Result = your mind will feel better! If you’re doing something that makes you happy, your body releases chemicals to the brain that put you in a better mood (obviously exercise is the best way because it releases endorphins) and when you feel that good, there is no room for depression or pessimism.

D. Just Pray – Oh how simple. But this quiet time with God allows you to clear your head, not to mention let it out. (Personally, there is nothing that makes me feel better than feeling God’s presence in my life.)
-IDEA: Take this time to purge yourself of whatever is bothering/hurting you…put your cares on Him. But don’t forget to slip in a little gratitude too.
-Result = you allow yourself time away from the chaos that life brings and you cleanse your heart & mind, which makes for a less-stressed, happier individual.

E. Tis Better to GIVE than receive – How many times have you heard that? But being nice to others has its benefits!
-IDEA: Random acts of kindness.
A while back I read about a six-week study that found that people who performed five acts of kindness each week, even small ones, felt better about themselves for more than a month afterward.
***This allows you to also stop being so selfish!*** (Think about how easy it is to be selfish…yep…ridiculous)
-I did this as a part of a Bible study and I can’t tell you how amazing I felt and how pleasant I was.
Just remember, this shouldn’t be done so you can get something in return or gain praise. These acts should be small and not draw attention to you because the focus is being kind to others, not how generous you are.
-Result = happier you!

All this stuff helps your mood adjust to the cheerful side. But even better, it helps you re-train your brain to think positively and that can only have great health effects. Similar energy is naturally drawn to each other, therefore, if you have positive energy, you will attract positive energy. Look at it this way: Thinking Positive = Better Mood = Smiling More = Raises Confidence & Positive Energy & Makes you more Attractive.
[If you don't believe it, read this: http://www.beliefnet.com/Inspiration/2006/03/Smiling-A-Simple-Way-To-Feel-Good.aspx]